Allow me to start by holding my ears and apologizing for writing to you this late. I know I havenât been consistently sending letters to you. Please forgive your sweetheart.đ€ČđŸ.
Forgive me or Iâll blow you dusting powder.
Now that Iâm forgiven, letâs move on to talking about the business of the day.
But first, letâs have 1 minute of silence for the talking stages weâve been in that have failed.
Alright, letâs move on.đ.
I wonât even lie, I canât skip any talking stage and say I love you. For where?đ.
The Talking stage is a really important stage for me. It gives me the opportunity to know the other person beyond surface level, beyond who I might think they are or who theyâve told me that they are. Iâd have preferred to skip the talking stage and just say âI love youâ because of the many talking stages Iâve been in that have failed & how draining it can leave one feeling afterwards, but mba (No) đđŸ.
Of course, the talking stage is not where we talk once or once in a blue moon. I believe what makes a talking stage a talking stage is that both individuals have conversations often & consistently. I mentioned âoftenâ because I believe that at the talking stage, itâs not only about the consistency, itâs also about how frequent. A person may be consistent in sending you messages once in a week/2 weeks, would we still call that a talking stage? At the talking stage, both individuals get to know each other, their values, beliefs, identity, their take on certain issues, whether they can do life with each other, have a future together or not, etc. I believe the talking stage is also where both individuals get to go out on dates. So, you can safely say youâre dating this person because youâre still getting to know them. But donât say that in Nigeria sha. In Nigeria, dating basically means I love you with all the strings attached.đ.
I believe that for a Christian, the talking stage is key. This is because as Christians, when it comes to marriage and everything that leads to marriage, patience is needed. If God is love, one of the attributes of love is patience. We canât rush into a relationship without proper consideration and a go-ahead from God.
I think the talking stage can sometimes be one-sided. On my part, I can be intentionally having conversations with a person, trying to get to know them and what their values are but the person doesnât even see it that way or theyâre not intentional about it. But I also think this is why I wonât deliberately go into a talking stage with someone who Iâve not at least seen a sign on their part that they like me. Or should we say thatâs what the talking stage is for, so as to know whether the feeling is mutual or not?
The little/not-so-little âghiz ghizâ feeling is not left out too at the talking stage. Itâs at the talking stage that I believe you get to define that âghiz ghizâ feeling you feel for that person. âDo I truly feel what I feel for this person or is this feeling just by the way?â âIs the feeling even mutual?â
For me, I get to know if the feeling, or intention to court is mutual through the subject of our discussions. Except youâre an unserious element, I donât think you should be telling me how many children you want and that you want me to bear those children if itâs not that you at least like me and intend for the talking stage to go beyond what it is? See the reason the talking stage is important? The talking stage helps one to identify wolves in sheepâs clothing.
At the talking stage, the feelings a person may have for the other person is sometimes not that deep. And thatâs why itâs usually quite easy for a person to cut ties with the other person at this stage.
A lot of people including me have had many failed talking stages, and thatâs very fine tbh. A failed talking stage is not a failed marriage or a failed life. Itâs better to have a failed talking stage than to have a failed marriage.
In fact, Iâm grateful for some failed talking stages. Iâve been in a talking stage where I could already see a future with the other person but when the talking stage ended, when we stopped talking often & consistently, I saw a different side to him and I just had to thank God. I really donât think Iâd have been able to tolerate such person as a spouse. This doesnât however change the fact that other ladies would see the same man as the bone of their bones and the flesh of their flesh; theyâd be able to tolerate such man and do life with them.
I believe that we should allow conversations flow at the talking stage but also open our eyes, ears and heart to know what Godâs telling us about the other person. The reason is that sometimes we get carried away by how much we like the other person or how much we think they like us that we allow our judgment get clouded by our emotions. But with God, and with our eyes, ears and heart open, we can rest assured.
How long should a Talking stage last?
Honestly speaking, I feel we should allow the talking stage flow without setting a timeframe for ourselves, but we shouldnât allow ourselves be flowed into the ocean sha. We need Godâs wisdom and guidance.
You may think that itâs just the talking stage and you donât need Godâs wisdom and guidance until you allow yourself be deceived by the son/daughter of man. Talking stage then turns into a situationship/an undefined relationship, and thatâs heartbreak knocking at the door. See ehn, when it comes to everything that has to do with marriage (including all the steps that lead to marriage), donât dare to do them without God. With Godâs wisdom and His eyes over you, youâd know when to pack your bags out of that personâs Dm and head for Costa Rica.
Let me just stop here.đ.
But itâs like you people owe me a medal.
Best in giving relationship advice without being in a relationship:
Iâve again sought five amazing individuals on what they think about the talking stage, what they think the purpose of the talking stage is, whether they feel the talking stage is necessary, etc. Letâs go ahead and read what they have to say.đ.
But before we get to reading, donât forget to support Tohmee by sharing TohmeeWritesâ Newsletter with others so that more people can read these interesting letters and subscribe too. You can share using the link below. âŹïž.
Person 1. Female.
It is essential to know that a talking stage occurs when both parties are aware that it is a talking stage. That is, when a party or both parties make it known that they like each other. The Talking stage is essential so that we will not just keep talking anyhow.
Talking to someone you just met comes with a rush that feels good, especially when itâs someone youâre attracted to. However, I could be attracted to a person and still not want to date them. More like, âI enjoy your company, but you canât accompany me to the âpromised landâ.đčđč.Â
Trust me, Iâve been in this situation several times, where I enjoy a personâs energy and company, but I canât date them because they donât meet up to certain standards.
Iâve been in a talking stage with a guy for a year, a forced talking stage if you ask me. I already let this boy know that I canât be in a relationship with him, but he kept on pleading with me to date him and I didnât snub him because I really liked him. We kept on talking for a year till the emotions faded, and that whole year was really wholesome. He was so amazing!
A talking stage is actually very important to me, maybe because I talk a lot.đč. I have to know if he has good communication skills, because itâs very important to me. I love talking to people I like; via phone calls, texts, WhatsApp texts and Instagram dms. How would I know you like me if youâre not willing to talk to me at every opportunity you get? If you like me and you only call me on WhatsApp, Ah! You have broken my heart. How about when Iâm not online? Sending me a text message holds a special spot in my heart. It just gives that âold school loveâ feeling. Also, if my phone goes off and you donât sent me a message via a mailbox, youâre wrong.đđ.
A talking stage is actually a vital stage that must take place before a lovey-dovey relationship comes in. Basically, itâs like a preamble that gives you a hint about someone you like.Â
Personally, I donât think a talking stage should have a specific time span. When itâs time for the talking stage to end, Iâd know. A talking stage can last for as long or as short as I like, depending on the leading of the Spirit, as a child of the Holy Spirit that I am.đ„°đ.
As sweet as a talking stage can be, a failed talking stage can be painful, especially when both parties have invested time into each other. This is why itâs important that you end a talking stage with a person immediately you know that youâre not willing to be in a relationship with such a person to avoid stories that touch.
Too many failed talking stages can cause frustration.đȘ. We deserve to experience true love and I pray that the Lord takes away time wasters that hide under the guise of a âtalking stageâ from our lives, and give us the perfect soulmate, Amen.đ.
Person 2. Male.
I think romantic relationships are a beautiful thing. Yes, it's amazing to find that one person who you love so much and who in turn, loves you. However, most times, these people are not just found suddenly and in the same vein, these relationships do not just start suddenly, in most cases. More than a few times, both parties must have known, kept in touch and talked endlessly with each for a period of time. This stage is commonly called "the talking stage".
The talking stage can be explained to be a stage where two aspiring lovers get to talk about a variety of things cutting across different spheres so as to get to know each other better. During this stage, most romantic relationships get their foundation. Sometimes, a strong one, most times, otherwise. At least nowadays.
Many questions have been put forward in recent times as to whether a talking stage is necessary and if it is, how long should it take?
In my opinion, a relationship is bound to fail terribly if the lovers do not some sort of "getting to know each other" before getting into a relationship. Since this is the essence of the talking stage, it becomes an essential ingredient in forming any romantic relationship. That being said, I think a talking stage shouldn't have a fixed number of days, weeks, months, within which it expires. Rather, I think it's best that the length of time of a talking stage is measured not by months or weeks but by the quality of growth that there has been in the talking stage itself. I'll break this down. Where a talking stage lasts 9 months and the both parties are unable to hold a phone conversation for an hour without difficulty, then it is apparent that the talking stage might need some more extension. On the other hand, a talking stage of 3 months with the lovers being able to hold such conversation with ease signifies otherwise. This is just an explanation and not a criteria for determining the growth of talking stages as both lovers may not even be the call types. With this analogy, I believe you understand what I mean by the growth that has occurred in the talking stage. Thus, rather than measuring talking stages with time, it should be measured with the value of growth that has occurred. The reason for this is not far-fetched. A talking stage of three months, where a strong bond was created, will easily transform into a good relationship than another talking stage of six months or more with a shoddy bond.
What should aspiring lovers do during talking stages?
I think the purpose of a talking stage is clear enough from the above. The main purpose of it is to prepare the parties for their forthcoming love life. During this stage, both parties need to do as much as possible to know each other. Knowing each other encompasses lots of things, some of which are; knowing the kind or person the other party is, their likes, dislikes, background (maybe not too deeply but some sort of knowledge as to background is really important) , triggers (if any), among many others. I think it's also important to have certain discussions that might show how such a person thinks and their sense of reasoning, level of tolerance or compromise. Aspiring lovers need to hold conversations that would expose the kind of decisions they would make in future. It's also very important to fight during the talking stage. This is almost the most important thing even. Conflict management is extremely important and without it, any relationship would fall. If aspiring lovers are able to fight and fight well during the talking stage, I think they would have a great relationship. It suffices to state here that for effective conflict management between both parties, clarity and effective communication is key.
What happens after the talking stage?
A lot of times, talking stages fail. However, where a talking stage is successful, it is expected to move to the next stage which is where both parties are now in a defined romantic relationship.
Person 3. Female.
The Talking stage for me is the period where Iâm always talking to a person. I know I like this person and he probably likes me too but we havenât defined our ship yet. It is the period where you develop feelings for each other before you eventually date. It is a decision making process. It includes talking with no commitment.Â
I was in a talking stage that lasted for a year. Apparently, he was somebody that I had known; he was my friendâs friend. One thing led to another and he asked me out. But I was trying to heal from a bad breakup so I had to put him on hold. We got to know each other with the hope of starting a new relationship.
**But truly, He who sits in heaven laughsđ.
I and this person are Christians, so we were so keen on getting a go-ahead from God.đ.
To cut the long story short, we did not hear or get a go-ahead from God, but our emotions were gradually getting into the way. It was too hard to leave. We were not in a relationship but we had issues that people in a relationship have. People even thought we were dating already.Â
From the talking stage, we ended up being in a situationship. We got tired of the whole thing and we decided to define our â-SHIPâ. He then said, âweâre friendsâ.
Many times, a talking stage might end up being a situationship because you and the person involved might get too used to each other and forget to define the â-shipâ you are in. A talking stage can be draining and unproductive but at the same time fun. Sometimes a talking stage can yield positive results. Lowkey, I believe that when somebody who likes me approaches me, I already know whether I can date such a person or not, and it is like that for most ladies.
A talking stage should ideally not last for too long so that you wonât end up wasting your time or the other personâs time.
What should the talking stage be used for?
âąTo gather more information about the other person.
âąYou should get to know their values, beliefs, health status, etc.
âąAsk important questions!!
âąBuild friendship.
A talking stage should usher you into a new relationship but that is not always the case. You fih chop breakfast.đđ.
After a talking stage a decision should be made. You could decide to be in a relationship or remain as friends or even go back to being strangers.
Person 4. Male.
I feel the talking stage is that period when you meet someone that you like and you guys get to talking. The friendship between you both will be different from a normal friendship. The Talking stage is the period that leads to dating. Itâs like friendship, but thereâs extra to the friendship. Thereâs a kind of intention for the friendship to become something more than friendship. I feel the talking stage is necessary because thatâs where you get to discover whether or not you actually want to have such a relationship with that kind of person, because the talking stage is where you discover the kind of flaws the person may have, the way they think, their habits or values; one is just on the lookout for whether they can cope with a person although they like the person.Â
A talking stage can last for how long it needs to last, thereâs no rushing it. Both individuals at the talking stage should be getting to know each other, and should be making their intentions known to each other.Â
What happens after the Talking stage?
If they eventually both agree to date each other, thatâs fine. But if something happens along the line and they discover that a relationship cannot work out, they just end up being friends, I guess.
Person 5. Male.
Two Cents on The Talking Stage.
You know youâre in the talking stage when talking to this person youâve only just met, makes your heart go âghis ghisâ, and youâre sure that the other party gets a similar reaction when they converse with you. You find yourself revealing to them, sensitive information that you wouldnât share with a random person in your life. You know youâre in the talking stage when youâre talking to this person everyday, for weeks on end, and you know that theyâre slowly acquiring your mumu button but you donât mind. There are so many other signsâŠ
I believe the talking stage should not last longer than 3 months, save for exceptional circumstances. I believe that if it extends beyond that, there is a possibility that the dynamics of that arrangement might tilt towards becoming a situationship. The moment youâre sure that you and this person are on the same page is when the three-month period begins to run. âReciprocityâ is the key word here. You and that person must be on the same frequency.Â
The last time I was in the talking stage for longer than three months, I found myself in a situationship that lasted for years. I found that I had become really comfortable with how our arrangement was, especially with the fact that a reciprocal sense of accountability had blossomed from whatever we had going, and subconsciously, we had started a relationship that was just undefined. Maybe this was the case, or I was just an âashewoâ that wasnât ready for commitments. I like to think that the former is a true representation of what truly went down. Anyway, this person eventually got tired and left me for someone that was more serious. I wept.Â
Talking stages are great, and if done right, they reveal your prospective partnerâs ideals, values, and a general sense of how their mind works. It is that time where you find out whether youâre about to enter a relationship with a mad person or someone who thinks with the wrong parts of their brain. For me, Iâd put the person through a series of tests to be sure that I can trust them with critical parts of my life such as my finances, spirituality, mental health, etc. While I recognize that it is impossible for them to score perfect points, I understand that there is a minimum standard, and if they do not attain it, I pack my bags and head for Costa Rica.Â
In conclusion, I believe that three months are enough for you to know whether or not you want to start a relationship with someone you are attracted to, and with whom you have been in constant communication. Marriage, however, is an entirely different conversation.
Mmm.đ. What do you think?đ
How long should the Talking stage last? Or should we truly skip the talking stage and just say âI love youâ?
How do we even know itâs the Talking stage? So that weâll not just be talking and theyâll just carry us go where we no know.
Iâll be waiting to know your thoughts in the comment section.đ.
I don't think the talking stage should last too long ooo
Anything more than three months in some cases is already a situation ship.
I don't think we should skip the talking stage to the "I love you" stage oo. I think it's too dangerous.
I think the talking stage is like the ingredients you put in a soup or food. Without the ingredients, the food would be tasteless.
It's like a main stepping stone so that you know what and where you are entering.
Before buying products, you make inquiries about the products nau.
So why skip the talking stage before the relationship?